Downward Spiral

Today I witnessed a new mother lose her baby only hours after bringing her into this life.

I saw this patient a week ago in gyn clinic, accompanied by an officer from the sheriff's department. She was at the clinic, her hands cuffed and legs chained, for her first prenatal visit... she was 32 weeks pregnant. I walked into the room and tried not to stare as i wondered what crime she must have committed. as i started interviewing her, i was surprised at how easy it was to converse with her. This was her fourth child, she wasnt married, but it was the same father. I measured her abdomen, found the heart beat and smiled at her as we listened together. i noted that she measured small for the baby's age, and off she went upstairs for extra tests, much to the officer's dispair.... it was 5pm on a friday afternoon... they had plans too....

i wasnt there for her delivery. I noticed her name on the list of postpartum patients and made a mental note to stop by her room and congratulate her on the birth of the new baby. it had been one week. i vaguely remember reading in her record that she was in jail for four more months and was in there for something relatively petty, i thought... merchandise theft or something.... i wondered who would care for the child, how her other children were doing.

suddenly, a staunch social services worker walked onto the labor and delivery floor and was directed to the patients room. half an hour later i found out that she was here to take the baby..... all the paperwork had been taken care of, and 'my' patient was losing all rights as a parent. i could hear sobs from the room next door..... another nurse brought the baby outside and i peered over to see this new life who had suddenly lost the most important person in her life..... she stared back at me, blinked, blissfuly obvlious to the sadness around her. i looked at her nose, her little fingers....

they told me the other three children had been removed from her custody as well.... this was the fourth child she would be losing. why? drug abuse they said..... i couldnt remember this fact from the interview.... i wanted to go to her room... comfort her while she cried.... tell her directly that she had to change.... her life had to change.... i looked at that baby and realized the magnitude of this moment. would this child go to a privelaged family, own a dog and pet turtle, go to private school, play the flute and have slumber parties?? rationally speaking, i knew this baby couldnt have such a life with a mother whos life was so unstable that she couldnt stay out of jail for more than two yrs at a time.... but she'll change i thought to myself.... just give her this baby back and she'll change..... i realized that on a superficial level, most individuals wouldnt be able to sympathize with a woman like this. but i had talked to her, spent time with her, touched her..... she was a real person, not just a mug shot and id number.

an hour later, the huslte and bustle of the hospital day was over. a friend waited for me to walk to my car. it wasnt until i was on the road, humming along to the radio, that i realized i had not gone to visit her.... i had forgotten. i would probably never see her again.....

the anguish and pain of childbirth are soothed by a lifetime of love and warmth from another creature... after seeing so many births these past two months, i often wonder how ppl would voluntarily procreate after going through such pain. it is seriously amazing.... the innocent eyes, the constant chatter and pitter patter on kitchen floors, the hugs and kisses and 'i love you's' somehow magically dissolve all memories of any suffering.... this woman has none of that. the few moments she spent with her daughter, nuzzling her to her breast, caressing her cheek and counting her toes and fingers.... those few hours will live forever in her heart and mind. i close my eyes and pray that those moments are enough to inspire her to change her life.... but i can wholly understand why such an experience would only push her deeper in the downward spiral of her life.....