Return of the Hajjee

Fasahat just came back from hajj yesterday...

I never wanted nor thought i would become "dependent" on him - but wow, i really missed him the last three weeks!!! it was somewhat harder than i thought it would be, not just being away from him, but not being able to pick up the phone and rattle of the various obsessions going through my head at any given moment; not being able to just hug him after a bad day or when i needed some comfort - not being able to comfort him when i heard his voice falter over the phone. i was sick with the flu for a few days (right before an exam too!) and that wasnt too pleasant either - it sux being alone when ur sick!!! but alhumdulilah - he was performing his duty and providing my family and I with the most valuable commodity of all: dua.

I was a bit hesitant to see him go to hajj without me. but of course, when he asked if he should go, how could i stop him from performing his fard?? I had always imagined that we would take the miraculous journey together, side by side, and through the experience, we would grow closer together as well as closer to Allah swt. I was a bit apprehensive about his return - not sure if he would shun certain activities altogether such as music and movies - things we used to enjoy doing together. but i guess i had no reason to worry.. he assured me that the in flight movie on the way back was quite entertaining ;-) It wasnt that i was worried that he would come back a better person and closer. I was worried that he would outgrow me spiritually at such a rate that there was no way I could keep up - and I would be left behind - with the same vices, insecurities, temptations and flaws that he would abandon.

but alhumdulilah - not only has he returned with all of his sins washed away, spiritually uplifted and with a renewed dedication to leading a life towards Allah swt - but we have actually grown closer together... i can feel it. despite being apart for three weeks during the most significant event of his life, i feel as if i was with him, footsteps behind during his numerous tawafs and saee's. before he left, I helped him memorize the "labayk allahuma labayk" dua - and alhumdulilah, he said that I will iA be rewarded for every time he recited the blessed chant. inshallah, I hope I am, but more than that, i am touched that he felt my presence even while he was so far away, even while he was undertaking a ritual that is meant for individual growth and uplifting.

After he left, i wondered if i should have tried harder to go with him. Even through hardest year of medical school, it might have been possible - after all, under the pretense of "religion", student affairs basically lets you do anything. However, after hearing about all of his experiences, through his umra, being able to touch the black stone twice, praying in the "rawda" in the Prophet's mosque, walking the whole hajj and his amazing day at arafat (mashALlah mashALlah), I am elated that he went by himself. I realize, it was something he had to do on his own, without having to worry about my well being the whole time, which in itself would be a distraction his ibada. and alhumdulilah, the next time we go will be to fulfill MY fard... it wont be as worrisome bc he will be experienced and know how to handle certain situations... inshAllah.

When Allah swt invites one to perform the hajj - nobody can stop it. all circumstances that once seem like roadblocks dissolve, and all that matters is reaching your destination - the House of Allah swt. inshALlah, Fasahat's hajj will be accepted. Meanwhile, back to the real world - our relationship has grown and will iA continue to blossum, even after four years of marriage. When you are on the path of Allah swt together - you can only get closer. I feel so lucky. I wish this joy upon every single muslim individual - may you find your soulmate and take the journey towards Allah swt together always. ameen.